5 Rules to Help You Have a Non-Dramatic Breakup
Follow These 5 Therapist-Approved Breakup Rules to Make Things Easier for Everyone
When it comes to breakups, there are some dos and don’ts that probably go without saying.
Hurling blame at your partner, venting about them on social media, or badmouthing them to mutual friends, for example, are all commonly accepted no-nos.
But experts say there are other breakup rules to keep in mind. And whether you know it or not, your behavior during — and following — a breakup can have a huge impact on your own mental health as well as your new or soon-to-be ex’s.
“While the length and depth of a relationship might influence how you approach the breakup, basic respect and kindness should always apply,” says Michelle King Rayfield, a licensed marriage and family therapist at Ocean Recovery. “Whether it’s a short fling or a long-term commitment, being mindful of how you end things reflects your integrity.”
Breakups, Rayfield says, “can leave a lasting impression, and handling them with care helps both parties find closure. Even if you never plan to see this person again, treating them respectfully ensures you can move forward without lingering resentment.”
RELATED: How to Break Up With Someone Without Hurting Them
Whether you’re currently working up the courage to end things with your partner, you recently split, or you’re just trying to learn a little more about dating etiquette to equip you for future relationships, here are some breakup rules experts strongly advise following.
1. Don't Call It Quits in the Middle of a Life Crisis
According to experts, timing is everything.
“Whenever possible, try to avoid breaking up with someone when they’ve lost a loved one, or are going through a major life change like getting laid off,” says Gary Tucker, chief clinical officer and licensed psychotherapist at D'Amore Mental Health.
Rayfield notes that along with major holidays, these can be particularly emotional times — which can make it even harder for your partner to handle the blow of the breakup.
That’s not to say you should drag things out for a long time, says Rayfield, but if you can hold off for a week or two until the intensity of the event has passed, that can go a long way.
“Avoid ending a relationship during a stressful event in the other person’s life, such as exams, work deadlines, or family emergencies,” adds Adrianna Holness, a licensed clinical psychologist specializing in interpersonal relationship issues.
“While there is never a perfect time, choosing a moment when both individuals can engage fully and process the conversation is necessary,” Holness explains. “Breakups should not feel rushed, there should be enough time to provide clarity and respond to any questions. Choosing a more neutral time allows the other person to process the breakup without added emotional strain.”
Elizabeth Hamilton, an ICF-certified coach specializing in life transitions — including divorces and breakups — also suggests considering the time of day. If your partner is on their way out the door for work or just got home from a long and grueling day, it’s probably not the best time to have an emotionally charged convo.
RELATED: What to Do Right After a Breakup, Revealed
2. Only Use the Phone If Absolutely Necessary
As a general rule, the most respectful way to end things with someone is face-to-face.
“For many, hard conversations are made easier when a hug can be exchanged,” explains Hamilton. “It also means that as the person ending the relationship, you see the person’s reaction. It’s harder to mask emotions in person.”
“We need to be able to be open and vulnerable in breakups, and part of that is seeing the other person’s emotional reaction,” she says. “Avoiding that experience makes us less human.”
That said, experts say ending a relationship over the phone can be acceptable — but only under certain circumstances.
According to Tucker, you might opt to break up via a phone or video call if you and your partner are separated by long distances and unable to meet in person in the near future, or if you’re ending a relatively casual fling that only recently begun.
As for breaking up over text, experts agree that this can often only amplify the feeling of rejection. The only situation in which this method makes sense is if you feel unsafe meeting up with an abusive partner in person.
“Texting should generally be avoided unless it’s the only option,” Rayfield tells AskMen. “Ending a relationship over text can feel dismissive and impersonal, making the breakup harder to process.”
3. Be Clear and Firm in Your Decision
“When you decide to end a relationship, make sure you're certain of your decision before initiating the conversation,” says Tucker. “Waffling back and forth mid-breakup can confuse the other person and create unnecessary emotional turmoil.”
RELATED: When to Break Up (And How to Tell If It's the Right Thing to Do)
The last thing you want to do is give your partner a sense of false hope. So, before you break things off, take whatever time you need to clarify why ending the relationship is necessary for your growth, well-being, or happiness. That way, if your partner tries to convince you to stick it out, you can stay grounded rather than seeming ambiguous or wishy-washy.
“Understand that the other person may feel shocked, angry, or upset — while it’s important to validate their feelings, avoid being pulled into arguments or pressured into changing your decision,” says Holness. “Guide the conversation toward closure."
By the way — don’t suggest simply “going on a break” unless you legitimately think that you and your partner are willing to work on your individual issues, and that this relationship has a potential future. Suggesting going on a break solely to “let them down easy” only delays the inevitable hurt when you ultimately end things later on.
While it may be tempting to say things like, ‘Maybe we’ll try again someday,’ Rayfield says this can only confuse things and prolong your partner’s emotional pain, thus preventing them from moving forward.
“If you intend to remain friends, say so,” explains Hamilton. “And if you’re not ready for or open to that, say so. “Avoid the cliche ‘It’s not you, it’s me.’ Be specific about why you’re wanting to end the relationship. Do not leave gray space. If there’s gray space, it can create confusion and more hurt feelings down the line.”
4. Aim for Honesty, but Not Harshness
Remember: It is possible to be truthful while also showing compassion.
“Focus on your feelings and reasons without placing blame on the other person,” says Holness. “And avoid criticism or unnecessary comparisons, which can leave emotional scars.”
RELATED: How to Be a Gentleman After a Breakup
Rayfield suggests using “I” statements rather than “you” statements. Here are some examples:
- “I’m starting to notice that we want different things for our futures.”
- “I feel that our values aren’t aligned anymore.”
- “I don’t have the emotional capacity to give you what you need and deserve in this relationship any longer.”
- “I have some trust issues I need to work on before I can be in a healthy relationship with anyone, so I feel we need to go our separate ways.”
Statements like these come across like self-aware sharing, so they’re far less likely to put your partner on the defensive than, say, “You’re too clingy,” or “You’re just not ambitious enough for me.”
“Don’t forget to express gratitude for the time you shared, even if the relationship didn’t work out,” adds Rayfield.
5. Choose a Neutral Location (With Some Privacy)
Whatever you do, don’t break up with your partner at a bar, restaurant, or other crowded public location so that they won’t “make a scene.”
It’s a selfish move because it doesn’t allow them the space to freely process their emotions — which they deserve during this difficult conversation. It can also add to the embarrassment or shame while they’re already feeling rejected.
RELATED: Breakup Mistakes to Avoid Making
“Choose a neutral, private space to speak openly without feeling rushed or judged,” says Rayfield.
For example, a secluded park within walking distance of your partner’s apartment, your car while you’re dropping them off at home, or on a stroll around their quiet residential neighborhood could all work.
“Breaking up at your partner’s home can be thoughtful because it allows them the comfort of their own space to process the news, but make sure the setting feels emotionally safe for both of you.”
RELATED: Retail Therapy Purchases After You Break Up With Someone
Hamilton notes that your partner’s home is often a smart choice because they don’t have to worry about how they’re getting home after the breakup is over. It’s not safe to drive when you’re in a super emotional state, and the least you can do is spare them the humiliation of taking public transportation or a cab or rideshare while they’re in tears grappling with what just happened.
You Might Also Dig:
-
Breaking Up
Dating Mistakes
Getting Dumped
Long Term Relationship